Now it’s funny. At the time I didn’t’ feel very overwhelmed- we usually had just one visitor every other day, and there were only a couple people who were not close family or best friends who stayed a little too long, but I didn’t feel too bothered by it at the time. Post partum is weird. Post partum depression is even weirder. True to what people say, you don’t really know you had it until you’re out of it, and I would say that I had a pretty mild case of it too, but nonetheless, looking back I definitely see where I had some crazy stuff going on in my head. And, as much as some people might be hurt and I’m sorry, I just wish we hadn’t had such a steady stream of visitors. I just didn’t understand how to say no without hurting feelings. What I’ve processed from that time is as follows.
It took me a solid six weeks to figure out what a baby is. Does that sound silly? It’s true. I’ve loved babies and wanted babies all my life, and yet having your first one is alien. It took that solid six weeks to really figure out how she worked, and how to nurse, and how to time the day so that I could take a shower and eat and take walks. I was terrified of leaving the house for more than five minutes at a time, especially without my husband. I also had this weird sense that something would go wrong with the baby if we weren’t in the same room at all times…. And if someone else held her for too long I internally would get very panicky. I was thankful and relieved when my baby started to get fussy because it meant that I had an “excuse” to get her back. One time we had visitors (I honestly don’t remember who, so sorry to who it was) and I happened to be nursing my baby when they arrived, but they were so impatient to hold her and kept telling her to “hurry up” I was almost in tears. To my annoyance this day, I did stop nursing her so this person could hold her, but in my mind that completely messed up the entire rest of the day. (It didn’t help that I had to supplement and that she fought nursing anyway).
I realize now that, of course at anytime I could have said “no” or “wait” or “please leave, I’m tired”… but what happened is that I felt all these different things and I didn’t know how to express myself.
I called my mom so much those first few weeks (she did come visit for several days… but I could have just had her live with me for months), especially when I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t have very much milk for my hungry daughter. After my husband left to go back to work (baby was six weeks old) I called my mom, and she didn’t answer. I called my sister, at this point crying, and she answered and heard me sobbing on the other end. “Wh-what’s wrong? Are you okay?” she asked me very gently. “I’m sad” was all I could get out and when she asked why all I could say was “I don’t know.” My mom got on the phone and talked to me for quite some time, prayed with me and we hung up. I was feeling much, much better, but still sad and frustrated. Again, with all the hormones and mood swings I craved company and hated it at the same time. I needed help but didn’t have the energy for social interaction. I realize now that I wanted a couple specific people, one being my mom of course, to be around all the time but I didn’t really have the wherewithal to communicate that. I was also so much in a daze of nursing and sleeping that I didn’t know that’s what I wanted in the first place.
At about two and half/three months I had a schedule figured out, I was going over to dinner at my in-laws house at least once a week if not more (I always looked forward to Thursdays and Friday morning coffee!!!) and I started to come out of that post-partum daze. I craved going on walks, I accepted the fact that I had to supplement/switch to formula, I started to lose the baby weight and every day got easier and easier. Oh and baby was sleeping for like six hours at night, and I was happy. I was JOYFUL. I had a routine, my baby was amazing and so cute, I had people to see and life was evening out. My sweet husband was being as supportive as he could from afar, and the Lord was answering prayers in that I started feeling just fine.
On another note, I would like to give a shout out to my Aunt Linda, who invited me over (or let me invite myself over) to your house several times to just get some social interaction- Thank you!!!! After the initial period of me getting used to a small human who needed me for everything, getting out of the house and getting invited out (and being thought of) was so instrumental in me feeling like a regular human being again. Aunt Linda, you were encouraging, you made me feel like I was doing everything right, you gave me a place to be and you let me eat your delicious food. I would also like to thank my friends Hannah and Alexa- you ladies were just yourselves and that’s exactly what I needed and wanted. You both had kids so you understood everything and always knew what to say. Thanks for making time when I came to visit you at work all the time, Alexa. Of course my mom and my mom-in-law were (and still are) always there when I needed advice, some girl time or a mom. I know that you both were just always ecstatic for the baby, but I never felt (or feel) overlooked. You both let me do my thing, you never have a criticism, always just love for me and my baby.
If this is extra cheesy and gooey… oh well!
To new moms, or new moms-to-be: Don’t rush it. It’s okay to feel scared or sad or angry. It’s okay to tell people “no”, to be demanding and to not immediately have the “motherly instinct”. If something is going on, and your doctor or lactation consultant or pediatrician is only giving you one answer, go ask somebody else. Read “Becoming Babywise” by Robert Bucknam. It’s an absolute lifesaver. Trust Jesus. The end.
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| Somewhere in the 3-5 Months mark, feeling myself again! |
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| Somewhere in the 3-6 weeks while husband was still home with us. |
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| Somewhere in the 4-5 month mark, eating fruit and screaming. |
